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Last time I talked about trade-offs in editing and high-level motifs; macro-scale stuff. This time, I want to talk about a micro-scale topic: how to make an individual line better. As before, I'll be demonstrating this with examples drawn from recent editing experience. Before writing this post, I went around looking for other people talking about similar things, and I found this reference: http://kristensguide.com/Writing/powerful_sentences.asp. Frankly, it's great; probably better than what I have, especially in terms of breadth of topics. Give it a read and get your editing learning on. For this post, I'm going to deep dive into one single topic mentioned there, though, for which I've been saving up examples: putting the first and last words of your sentence to good use. The first and last words of a sentence are powerful. They're memorable. Forgetting the middle of a sentence is natural, so put a word at the end of a sentence when you really, really want that one word to be remembered. Okay, so what did you get from that last paragraph. I hope it was "first", "powerful", "memorable", "forgetting", and "remembered", because that's the point of this blog post. Anyway, let's look at some examples from my recent edits to Majo Koi Nikki, some to the prologue patch we're about to release, and some later. I'll point out other things that I changed as well and why, but this one point is going to be the running theme. Original: Looking in the mirror, she pondered for a second and answered with a shy smile on her face. Potential problems: - "on her face" is extraneous - that extraneous phrase is squatting on valuable real estate at the end of the sentence. Mine: Looking in the mirror, she pondered for a second, and then she answered with a shy smile. Changes: - drop "on her face" (for both reasons above - it's less verbose, and now I get "smile" as the last word in the sentence, which is great) - the comma after "she ponders for a second" is intended to give the reader that same mental pause as "she" has, to better set up the last part - "then she" somehow pushes you out of that mental pause and into the most important part: that shy smile, lingering at the end of the sentence. Original: Tokeizaka-san irritatedly flips through the book, but her hand stops suddenly. Potential problems: - With the benefit of spell-check, "irritatedly" => irritably - "suddenly" is often overused I actually really like the original; if you left it alone, aside from the spell-check correction, I wouldn't fault you for it. The verbs are great, "irritably" is a good use of a modifier, and the sentence communicates multiple events very concisely. But there's always room for improvement. Mine: Irritated, Tokeizaka-san flips through the book, until her hand suddenly stops. Changes: - Drop "suddenly." "Stops" is strong enough to carry that feeling of suddenness on its own, so "suddenly" is only making things weaker. I've also noticed a tendency for raw JP translations to overuse "suddenly", which makes me especially biased to remove it. It's the typical problem of overuse: if everything is happening suddenly, it might as well all be happening normally. - Move those good words, "irritably" and "stops" to the memorable points of the sentence. "Stops" we got for free, "irritably" requires a small bit of juggling. Unfortunately, Tokeizaka-san's family name is a bit unwieldy at best; better to bury it in the middle of the sentence and let the nice, emotive words take pride of place. - Swapping "but" for "until" made for a clearer plot to the sentence, I thought. Original: - The colorful beauty article are displayed neatly. Potential problems: - Engrish - Passive voice - Not flashy enough Mine: - Iridescent beauty products dot the shelves, arranged with flawless precision. On that last potential problem: normally my style is pretty spare. My typical goal is to drop adjectives and adverbs, and make verbs and nouns stronger to carry the weight of description, without going overboard on vocabulary. More often than not, I'm trying to make long sentences shorter and punchier. I didn't do that here. For context on why, it would help for you to hear the ridiculously high-brow BGM accompanying this scene and see the gorgeous background art. So, here: Background: BGM: Equally important for context, you need to know about the surrounding narration: basically, the narrator is currently marveling at just how amazing this beauty parlor is. One of the benefits of generally being spare with your adjectives and adverbs is that they then work a lot better when you actually do pull them out. A good mental model is that you have a budget: don't spend your nice words if you don't need to. Only pull them out when you're going for the razzle dazzle. The analogy breaks down fast, but basically, if you're constantly using flowery language and overdecorating the ordinary scenes, nobody's going to be impressed when something extraordinary happens, just like the overuse of "suddenly" I mentioned earlier. Since this actually is an extraordinary moment for our narrator, I'm spending a few nice words now. And again, I want to call attention to the first and last words of the sentence. Those are strong places in a sentence (or, especially in the case of a VN, a line). Previously there were pretty weak words there ("The colorful" and "neatly"); now we've got "iridescent" and "precision". Good words in good places. One last thing to mention. I wrote each of these up in the middle of editing, and then later edited that up into a blog post. I made changes to the edited line itself in the process of writing all this stuff up, which made it better. In fact, I even noticed a problem while writing up this blog post and further refined the line. You'll never know what it was (probably). The point being, simply spending time reflecting on an edit, and especially writing down your observations and motivations for certain choices, will help you do better work. You don't have to be this thorough all the time (I certainly am not), but every time you do an exercise like that, you'll learn from it, and then you can write up your own blog post and teach me something.

What up, everyone. Here we go with the 8th weekly update. Welp, two months may have passed but the progress done until now has been pretty nice if I say so myself. This week has been rather slow, so I apologize for that. We have recruited our twentieth member, @Torky who will help us in the Majo Koi Team as a Translator to fill our current MIA (but that will definitely be back, work issues don't let them be with us atm) translators, which are @Hasa and @RaurosFalls. On a side and personal note, I'll be working as a QC for Bishoujo Mangekyou in Euphemic Translations, so that's that. ANyways, let's get straight into the update, shall we? Witch's Garden The prologue has been completely TLC'd. The common route is already completed by 30% in that aspect and Misumi's and Ririko's routes have started to receive TLC as well. Ayari's route has had some TLC completed as well, but it will be stalled and Misumi + Ririko will have priority, since they belong to our future 50% game patch. The editing has been progressing rather slowly, but it will resume this week to complete the prologue. Currently the route being translated is Eclairs. We have an updated progress board in our website and... well... I think that's it for the news. I'll just post the numbers below: Majo Koi Nikki Progress has advanced rather slowly in terms of translation. Editing has been resumed and we've moved on from the prologue to the common route of the game. We'll post an updated progress board as well as soon as we completely figure the route's numbers out, since they are pretty bad divided and it's pretty difficult to tell them apart. Regarding the partial patch, the only thing left is to repack the translated interface images and we'll be pretty much done with it and be ready for releasing it. We're sorry for the delay, hehe. The numbers are below: DISCLAIMER: THESE AREN'T THE EXACT NUMBERS, WE'RE STILL FIGURING OUT ROUTES AND OTHER STUFF. DISCLAIMER 2: THOSE 99% ON BOTH EDITING AND TL OF THE PROLOGUE ARE BECAUSE THE TRIAL PATCH HAS EXTRA LINES. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT ASAP, THE FULL GAME'S PROLOGUE LINES HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRANSLATED. Anyways, I think that's all for this week. Thanks for reading, as always, and have a nice week everyone.

Time for another update, actually on Saturday for once. Nothing special happened this week, QC isn't perpetually in an Ice Age any longer, and got a nice nump in progress, but there has been no editing this week, sadly. Aizen-sama, the guy who you might know from MajoKoi and WG translation projects is now QC'ing this project, so steady progress in that front should be secured now. Now I just need to do something about steady editing progress. Anyways, progress: Translation: 100% Editing: 22,9% QC: 8,5% Proofreading: 0% Till next week.