Thanks for your continued work on this.
I pulled the script from the first video, made some suggested edits for some of the first few minutes (up until he gets transported), and made notes on why to give you an idea of the sort of language issues that are popping up. A lot of it is pretty minor stuff really. I compared the script in the video while checking the game for some of the lines and it looks like they're the same in game, but please let me know if wrong.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1BnZrWJzdz3H0zgvFIH4kSXFKuHHOfTYMlD14FMy90ss/edit?usp=sharing
Keeping in mind, this is based off my understanding from reading the English while seeing the scenes in-game, so while some of it's around more natural English, grammar, spelling, or so on, misunderstandings may be possible since I'm not going off the Japanese.
I don't have time to properly contribute, but I hope this helps to give you an idea of what I mean.