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Changing is Hard

arakura

Entry posted by arakura

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Last week I read It's A Hard Life. Three years ago I read Katawa Shoujo. And here I sit, writing, having finished neither of them. I bring this up because it says something about me that might not be immediately obvious and I wonder if maybe this actually matters. I think I'm in dire need of some accountability and of some understanding of what I'm really doing with myself.

So, the first thing to do is to take a step back and think about why I haven't finished half of my favorite stories. From the Dune series to Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou to Hakomari and more, I've struggled for years to actually finish the stories I love the most. It's kind of a weird problem, as far as I can tell. I haven't run into anyone with quite the same issue. Let's begin.

Do you know that moment? That moment when something is so good that you cannot stand it being ruined; When you tell your family to be quiet or turn off your phone so that nothing distracts you from something truly amazing. That moment when you decide that crunching on some chips does the mood a disservice and seriously focus in on what may just be the best thing you've read in the last two years. Or ever. It's that moment when I tell myself that the time isn't right. The mood needs improvement and I'm a little tired so tomorrow when I'm feeling utterly perfect is when I will return to this amazing experience. It's that moment, when I become aware of everything around me, that it all goes downhill. Because the perfect moment rarely arrives.

So why not, as others have offered, just screw the mood and jump into it? It just always feels wrong. It's like having trouble trust falling. I'm afraid that if I take the chance and screw the mood, take the fall, and trust in the strength of the story I have chosen that I'll end up in in pieces on the floor. It's pretty dramatic, I know, but the dangers aren't skin-deep.

A professor of mine once said, "identity is about the creation of meaning." And I really believe that. I've always told myself that these stories mean something. That they matter to me because they are somehow important, even if it isn't exactly clear how. These days I tie my very identity to their impact on me as a person and my development. They hold a place in my heart that I don't think it's exactly normal for stories to hold, but I'm quite happy that they are there anyway.

That's really what it comes down to. I'm afraid that if I'm distracted or something is wrong with my mentality or what-have-you that I'll no longer feel the way I did earlier. How horrible it would be if one day I pick up the third Dune book to realize that it's not actually as good as I imagined it would be. If I were to rewatch Guilty Crown and find a plot hole I would be crushed. Something more than a story will have changed. Something about me will be different. Something I don't want to be different. It's because somewhere in the world of me I put value in these stories and they sit there in their pretty glass cases in my mind. I look at them and think to myself 'how pretty that was' or 'how much you matter to me'. I am afraid that one day I will look at something once beloved and no longer will that passion burn. And then I will be left with nothing (well... not nothing). So I stop reading Dune, afraid that the third book will not live up to my image of the first two. I stop watching Ghost in the Shell because the timing isn't right. I stop and I worry and I worry.

I stop because I feel fragile. I want to change. So I will.

More on that to come, probably. Thanks for reading and I'd be glad if you left a comment.

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Tay

Tay 1670

Posted

Excellent personal essay, excellent read. Very much looking forward to more.

Guest

Guest

Posted

Changing is hard, the correct word would be scary. You can't control how things change, nor how you do. You change with what's around you and perhaps you become yourself something you do not understand.

 

What your professor said is true, I also believe that you find a meaning for your life when you find a goal, something you want to achieve. Maybe that is really the only way to become something you are aware of. To set yourself an objective.

 

Or maybe I completely missunderstood.

arakura

arakura 206

Posted

Changing is hard, the correct word would be scary. You can't control how things change, nor how you do. You change with what's around you and perhaps you become yourself something you do not understand.

 

What your professor said is true, I also believe that you find a meaning for your life when you find a goal, something you want to achieve. Maybe that is really the only way to become something you are aware of. To set yourself an objective.

 

Or maybe I completely missunderstood.

 

You may be right. I've just recently been figuring out exactly what my situation is to some avail and while I'm confident that I put it down correctly, the confidence I was trying to assume at the end was somewhat false. I want to be different, at least, in this respect. I want to be more normal.

 

I dont have enough experience to say whether or not changing is something you can do versus something that only happens to you, but I guess I'll see. Maybe something like an enforced routine or a different environment can cause some personal changes that otherwise would not have sen the light of day. So in that respect, I expect that I have at least some control over who I'll become in the coming months and years.

 

It is scary, though. Very scary.

Cyrillej1

Cyrillej1 353

Posted

I don't know whether changing is either or.. but I think it can be both, something you do and things that happen to you to force you to change (consciously or unconsciously). Unless I'm understanding it wrong. 

 

If you end up unhappy about something you used to like, can't you just keep searching for something that actually fits you in the whole sense? What is it about yourself you wouldn't want to be changed by how the story affects you? 

 

I personally feel the conclusion can be just as important to the journey to find an overall meaning to it (both for the story and the characters). So despite possible disappointments, I think it's still worth the change to complete. That's just me though xD. 

Chronopolis

Chronopolis 335

Posted

Too much expectations is probably not a good thing, but you know, perhaps there is meaning in fact that the scenario so far led you to that perfect image.

Even if there's a plot hole, maybe you can rearrange the plot, and play with "what-ifs". Maybe your within excitement was a specific direction you wanted the plot to take.

Recently, when I get really excited for a story, I can step back and think about what exactly are the items or possibilities that excite me. Then, it's no longer the story's fault if it lets me down later on. I still really like those elements the story had.

 

As for being in the perfect mood...while I've put off VN's because I couldn't get in the mood for them, I've never thought about pursuing the perfect mood. Interesting.

 

I am afraid that one day I will look at something once beloved and no longer will that passion burn.

Wow...that's an interesting fear. It's scary because it feels like there's nothing you can do about it. But tbh there are quite many days where I feel totally apathetic towards most of everything. But I know since I've been doing them for a while, the interest and passion is probably stuck in some part of my head which my mind isn't circling around to just this second. Just go back to your hobby, without much expectations, do it seriously for an hour or so, and you'll probably remember why you like it so much.

 

For hobbies that you are *done* with, there's usually a reason, like you finished nearly everything, or there was some negative event that made you lose the desire to continue. If it's the later, ask yourself if that event really is a reason to stop you can accept, and if it's not be brave and fight to reclaim your hobby.

 

That was a very descriptive post. I felt connected and rather intrigued. It's nice occasionally to catch a glimpse into the minds of others.

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