I find myself agreeing with this point. Everything you wrote is very professional except what was written under the "What I need and where does it go" subheading. You want include the fact that the money will be sustaining you as you go through the writing process but saying that you won't buy pizza or alcohol with the money brings questions to my mind that would never have popped up had you not mentioned it. Calling the money your "salary" is different than saying you won't buy luxuries with the money. I would never have considered "hey this guy is going to buy booze with the donation money". If you say these things, it takes away from your credibility. You might want to leave the bullet list but remove the short paragraph that follows.
This response is the type of thing I would expect to see under that subheading. Mentioning living expenses is perfectly legitimate because it is involved in the allocation of funds. However, saying you wont buy cigarettes or alcohol is not necessary.
I would be quite interested in reading a LN written by you. We all just want to see you have the best possible chance of reaching your goal
Anyway, good luck!