sanahtlig

Nutaku has been caught censoring dialogues implying non-consensual sex in free-to-play ero-RPG Kamihime Project R, reneging on earlier promises.
Rape scenes censored in Nutaku's Kamihime Project R

Nutaku has been caught censoring dialogues implying non-consensual sex in free-to-play ero-RPG Kamihime Project R, reneging on earlier promises.
Rape scenes censored in Nutaku's Kamihime Project R

Nutaku has been caught censoring dialogues implying non-consensual sex in free-to-play ero-RPG Kamihime Project R, reneging on earlier promises.
Rape scenes censored in Nutaku's Kamihime Project R

Nutaku has been caught censoring dialogues implying non-consensual sex in free-to-play ero-RPG Kamihime Project R, reneging on earlier promises.
Rape scenes censored in Nutaku's Kamihime Project R

Yes, you were waiting for it, all you tentacle-loving freaks... this is the newest game in the Venus Blood series, as full of tentacles and sex-training as any of the others...  I come to you having finished the Law route and after being forced to go back a chapter in order to get to the Chaos route on my second playthrough (apparently you absolutely have to start the 'goddess insanity' chapter, by failing to complete one of the monster-hunting side-quests). 
The gameplay will be familiar to anyone who played Hypno, though there are differences introduced in the unit-creation screen, just as in all the others in the series (every game puts its own twist on this aspect).  It is the sequel to Frontier, occurring some three hundred years later, and it is based off of a partial 'fallen goddess but still on Law Route' path. 
The biggest difference in the gameplay from previous entries is the introduction of a 'research' system where you basically have to open each step in a tree to get access to other units.  You expend medallions to get particular units on each 'block' that you've opened up, and what medallions are available to you determine what units you can access and how much of each tree you can complete (it is impossible to get access to all medallion types and units in the first or even the second playthrough due to difficulty and route issues).  While this might not sound that different in fact, it was a great difference visually, making access to the various monster types more obvious than in previous entries.
The system of 'leveling up resources' is back from Hypno, allowing you to use research to level up your auto-healing, auto-experience gaining, and automatic resource allowance (at the end of each turn) independent from what places you've captured.  I advise anyone planning to do multiple playthroughs to get everything as high as possible (focus on healing over experience and all the other resources before gold, since gold is the most plentiful resource). 
Story-wise... it is standard Venus Blood.  You come, you conquer, and you decide whether to make the goddesses love you normally or just drive them crazy through sex training.  The actual basic plot is inferior to both Frontier and Hypno, though it it is more 'stable' in that it doesn't trip up in the last chapters like in the previous games.  Unfortunately, this game suffers somewhat from being a direct and obvious sequel, as the shadows and persons of characters from the previous game pop up everywhere, distracting you from the protagonist's story.
I need to say something about the Venus Blood games here... it really is a shame that this company doesn't go 'legit' and start making non-ero games.  The complexity of the skill system and the way you can make levels almost irrelevant through simply combining the right units in the same squad is incredibly rewarding.  This is actually only the second game in the series where I actually explored this aspect of the game in-depth, but I was seriously impressed with the degree to which you can customize your army, creating the ultimate force.  In fact, it wouldn't be far from the truth to say the outcome of all battles is entirely determined by the way you design your squads.
Sanah is something of a hard-ass when it comes for this game, always beginning on Hard mode... but I honestly don't recommend that for newcomers to the series.  For one thing, the basic endgame difficulty level is pretty high even on normal difficulty, and playing hard mode on the first playthrough has certain annoyances like running short of resources at key points. 
Anyway, for gameplay, this, like most of the Venus Blood games, is fairly enjoyable.  As a story?  Lots of potential here, some really interesting points, but in retrospect the story pales somewhat in comparison to previous entries in the series as a whole, despite exceeding most previous games when it comes to the endgame story. 

I wanted to wait until the year is over before I write my list for this year, but of course I haven't had the time to actually look at the December releases and now the year is over. Luckily, there isn't much interesting for me anyway.
Before we start, just let me mention some noteworthy December titles:
Venus Blood Ragnarok could be a nice game, but I don't really like the Venus Blood series, and as some kind of sequel it probably won't win me over anyway. I have played the trial of Meguru Sekai de Towanaru Chikai wo and it really didn't impress me. Looked like an even cheaper version of Izumo 4. And Izumo 4 was already a letdown last year. The RPG mechanics of Izumo 4 are very simple and Meguru Sekai de seems even simpler. But that is not all, contrary to Izumo 4, this time the game also looks pretty ugly! It that the reason why Yamamoto Kazue changed her name to  Yamamoto ☆ Kazue for this? Well, I probably will play it nonetheless because I don't like to judge something I haven't really played, but eh, not in the near future. That's it for December. The rest doesn't interest me or I already know it will be bad (You can't fool me Moonstone!). Did I just say I don't judge something I haven't played? Eh, whatever...
But now some honorable mentions of games that actually looked interesting but I haven't had the time to read them, so they won't be in my 2016 list:
Dungeons & Daimeiwaku: I've read the trial, but haven't found the time to read the actual game. I'm sure it's good but it's kind of demotivating for me to read an RPG without any gameplay, heh. Iwaihime: Ryukishi07 and horror should be exactly what I'm looking for but for some reason I have this untouched on my hdd for a year now. Maybe I miss the Ryukishi07-art, since it doesn't look as good with generic moeblobs. Trianthology: Now I have the art, but not a full Ryukishi07 game, haha. Still, I have to read this sometime soon. Kanojo ＊ Step: This could probably be the "Best Charage" of 2016 as far as I have seen it. The humor is great, something that's really missing in pretty much every other modern charage. It's a shame that the genre charage has such a low priority for me, so I haven't really read much of this VN so far. Now I mention some games people might expect in my list of 2016's best eroge, but I actually found them to be only mediocre:
Shi ni Iku Kimi, Yakata ni Mebuku Zouo: Yeah, I wasn't as excited about this as everyone else. I do not fetishize gore. I like death as an element of a thrilling story, but death in Nikuniku has no impact. There is no meaning in killing someone when they can't die. Baka Dakedo Chinchin Shaburu no Dake wa Jouzu na Chii-chan: This game has a Genre-Shift tag of 3.0 on vndb and some people claim it would be different than what you expect it to be.
Spoiler: It's exactly what it looks like! WTF are the people talking about? lol Maitetsu: Borefest and not even usable as a lolige. Really only interesting for train otakus.  
Now let's start with the list of maybe not necessarily the best but the most impressive eroge of 2016, for me at least:
Eroge of the Year: Natsu no Kusari
Best game without a doubt, there is no other contender here. If I would make a Top 5 of 2017, the second place would already be many, many levels under this one. It's so good (or all the other recent games are just so bad, lol).
I have already written walls of text in other threads about this game so I won't repeat myself here. I will just say that this game is exactly what I'm looking for when I read an eroge, the reason why I even started with this medium.
Great characterization and the perfect use of narration, music, visuals and voices makes this one of the most compelling short stories I have read in years.
 
Best NTR Eroge: Dearest Blue
The lack of elf is really showing and I certainly can't say that any LiLiM game is really good, but at least with Dearest Blue LiLiM improved on their formula and made it its best game so far.
We still have some obvious "Do you want to get NTR'd"-choices, but they are not as in-your-face as in previous titles. Some choices make you wonder what will actually happen if you go this route and that at least is an improvement. In some instances there is some believable drama and especially one route is good where you can cheer for both, the protagonist and the rival because both characters are likable. The main heroine is also well-characterized, being an independent and strong woman without going too bitchy or slutty.
Still, not everything is good. Pretty much every male character except the aforementioned one is a one-dimensional evil villain. The biggest problem however is that the story is build around some kind of NTR/death-game where all the players need to outwit each other ... but in the end there are no mind games or twists happening! Heck, even I could probably win this game because every other character is so bad at this, not having a plan or making retarded moves. What a disappointment! Read this for the relationship drama, not for the death game.
 
Best Modern Oldschool Eroge: Ryuudouji Shimon no Inbou
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I really think that the writing in many of the latest Mink-games is topnotch. Really, if Mink-games weren't conceptually so limited (being only nukige), they could be really great.
Why is that? Is it because Mink is such an old company that they still carry on old writing traditions which were established in the Golden Age of eroge? That at least would explain why Ryuudouji Shimon no Inbou is so good when it conceptually shouldn't be!
Don't misunderstand me, Ryuudouji Shimon no Inbou is not a good slave-training eroge. There is no real SLG gameplay here, instead the only choice the player has is to visit 1 of 20 locations every day hoping that some kind of event happens there. There is no indication which area you have to visit, neither in script nor in the interface, it's completely by chance. Save-scumming and blindly gathering events at its finest, huh.
But if you can look behind this (preferably with a walkthrough), you will find a game that feels like the late 90s. Mainly because this is a blatant clone of 99's Yakin Byoutou. It's pretty much "Night Shift School Girls". Aside from the setting that is now a school, we have the same kind of characters, the same storyline and the same development Yakin Byoutou had. And it's great, because that formula still works 17 years later! The ugly main character, who has just enough understanding of the human psyche to get what he wants, the pure maidens who fall into his traps, not because they are sluts but because they are believable corrupted, and the evil female mastermind who is probably even worse than the main character. It's beautiful. The nostalgia is strong with this one.
 
Best Dark and Edgy Eroge: Tokage no Shippo Kiri
I'm cheating here a bit because the game was released in November 2015. But since the fandisc was released in January last year which means the full experience was only available to us in 2016, I see it as 2016 game.
There is not much to say here, what Derg not already said. Games like this prove that even low-budget publisher can make good games, if they just try. CYCLET is not Black Cyc, but it tries nonetheless to be something special and succeeds in setting itself apart from all the other low budget publisher. Maybe that is the reason we only had one CYCLET game in 2016; they emphasize on quality, not quantity.
 
Best RPG: Dungeon of Regalias
Let's not talk about the story and the characters. They are terrible, like in every Astronauts Sirius game. But damn is the gameplay addicting and actually good. Like in, really, really good.
This is probably one of the best ero-dungeon crawler existing. They did everything right with this one. Hard difficulty available from start. Skills as "items" which can be equipped so you can change your build without any resetting of skill points like in other games. Monsters who all act differently thus forcing you to change your strategy and character builds and party constantly. Great game.
 
 
Best SRPG: Sankai Ou no Yubiwa
I'm probably the only one, but ... I actually liked 2016's Eushully game. Yeah, really. Ok, it wasn't really a good SRPG; it actually had many flaws, like being far too easy and exploitable and the routes being too similar to each other... but... I liked the concept. Having six main characters who all represent a different kind of approach to the Ero-RPG genre is really something I wish more games would do. I hate the good guy, the antihero and the maou archetype, and sadly most Eushully games have one of these three as their main character. But Sankai Ou has also three other, more interesting protagonists to choose from. For example, I always wanted the angels to win in an Eushully game, and finally I have the opportunity to do this because the obligatory fallen-angel storyline is already covered in the other routes. Nice.
 
Biggest disappointment: Extravaganza ~Mushigurui Hen~
I was so hyped for this one. The first true Black Cyc game after 5 years of absence. Written by Banya Izumi who we could trust with the task of continuing a beloved series, right? Right?
No, it's awful. This game turned out to be an abomination which is quite remarkable because Black Cyc already milked the Extravaganza series with bad sidestories back when Black Cyc was still good for the most part. And Mushigurui Hen is even worse than these cheap nukige spinoffs. At least with cheap nukige fandisc, we know we get something bad. Mushigurui Hen on the other hand could have been good. It could have been awesome. But it wasn't.
So what went wrong? You have these great characters with their epic background stories, but what do they do with them? Putting them in school, because school life is, as we all now, the most important thing ever. And if a character is too old for school, just make them into rich snobs whose only problem in life is being too old (meaning being 23 years old) and lamenting about not having the time to go to the cinema with friends because work (meaning being CEO and chilling all the day in the office).
And if that wasn't bad enough, they also retcon a character death because this character was very popular back then and we need him for funny slice of life scenes now, yay.
The most offending thing however is how this "sequel" actually takes place after the second arc of the original Extravaganza, which means before the last third of the original game. And all the important character events in the third arc which really were the heart of the Extravaganza story apparently don't take place in this timeline. Instead, we get inferior and meaningless drama with derailed characters in Mushigurui Hen which is apparently now the canon timeline. Hurray.
 
Biggest insult: Everything released by Akabei Soft 3
I'm not going into this now, but literally every AKB3 game this year greatly offended me, just as Silky's Plus' games did last year. Let's just say that AKB3 makes games which represent everything that's wrong with modern eroge and have nothing left of what made eroge once great. (I might write a post explaining this statement in the near future.)
It saddens me how popular these games are. A dark prospect for 2017.
 

This is an introductory post and since I probably don't have to introduce myself anymore (you already know me ), I guess I advertise my future blog texts instead.
Tyrviews are not reviews. Instead of writing reviews, I'm more interested in discussing and exploring the themes of an eroge and talking about all the related topics like the writing, the tropes or the history of eroge or the Japanese entertainment industry in general. I might also talk about anime, j-dorama, games, movies, books or JAVs.
I'm sure you will find something new or interesting when you read my articles. You may not necessarily agree with what I have to say (and if you find the strong urge to comment, please do so, and you can be sure I will respond), but I'm certain you will find at least some new ideas worth thinking about.
When I write about a certain topic I’m interested in, I'm often using specific products (which inspired me to think and write about this subject in the first place) and these will serve as an example to verify the points I make.
With that said, unless I explicitly state that a Tyrview contains spoilers, it won’t. However, I might give away some directions a certain game will take. Nothing, you wouldn’t also find on the official website, but if you are like me and you would rather read an eroge without any a priori knowledge, it might be better if you come back later after you have finished the game in question.
The first blog text will be about my favorite games of 2016. I also have an article about Black Cyc in the pipeline since I have recently finished most of their games and am now looking forward to their newest release this month. I will probably also write my impressions about some anime I recently watched which are worth talking about.
If there is anything you would like me to write about or you want to read my opinion on something, I will be open to suggestions.
I will end my introduction by showing you a picture of my bathroom, so you get some value out of this pointless blog post.
Please rate it, I think it's pretty kuso which I've chosen as the theme for my toilet room. Do you get it?
Thanks for tolerating me and happy new year~~ 

This is a simple post putting forth my views on what the largest pitfalls are for a fantranslator, both in the immediate sense and the long-term.
Immediate
1. Making promises: Anyone who starts a translation is bound to do something stupid... such as setting a deadline or predicting how long it will take them to do something.  Even experienced translation groups trip and fall into this particular trap.  Nothing good comes of making promises, primarily because rl exists.
2.  Agreeing to translate/edit/proofread something you aren't interested in: This links to motivation.  To be blunt, no fantl will be able to finish work on a VN if they don't enjoy the original or at least prefer the genre it is in.  Fantls are a labor of love not a workplace with a set salary and a boss telling you to get back to work or he'll dock your pay.  Passion about the subject matter is necessary to get anywhere on a fantl project.
3.  Taking on a job you aren't qualified for: This mostly applies to beginner fantls... to be blunt, don't take on something you can't read easily.  If you can't read and fully comprehend the text of the VN you've agreed to translate, don't even make the attempt.
4.  Machine translations: Don't work.
5.  Looking up your name/reputation/etc: Some people get addicted to looking for positive reactions to their work.  Unfortunately, this also means that they stumble across the negative responses and can damage their confidence in ways that can destroy a project. 
Long-term
1. The choice to announce  a project or not: Many who translate VNs use community comments to help them build motivation.  However, choosing to involve the community in your project is a two-sided sword... it cuts both ways.  Negative comments, people asking you when it will come out, and complaints about the translation of any partial you put out can obliterate your motivation and cripple the project.
2.  Internal group chemistry and mechanics:  No matter how you look at it, the translator is the origin and star of any given project.  Without the translator it goes nowhere... but translators can't be the ones going around motivating the group to keep working.  It's inefficient and emotionally draining for the person in question, and it is the number one cause of project failure I've seen related to group chemistry, when the translator finally falls apart.  An editor's role only seems minor to a translator.  It is actually a job that can be equally frustrating to that of the raw translation, and a decent translator's secondary job often becomes tlcing and explaining his own work to the editor.  Thus, my advice to any fantranslator is find an editor you can talk to and get along with, or you'll regret it later.  My advice to editors is: Be patient.  Many translators really don't like going back over their own work, so just keep an eye out for potential signs that they are at their limit. 
3.  Burn-out: This can potentially happen to any fantl position.  It is also related to all the things above, since it is a state where all motivation is lost and the individual in question basically just drops out of the project.  Apathy toward the project and ignoring group members are fairly common signs of this.  Whether it is permanent or not depends on the individual, but it can take years to recover mentally and emotionally once you've reached this stage *speaking from personal experience*
 

Rapelay developer Illusion boldly promotes its upcoming virtual reality sex simulator VR Kanojo with a Steam Greenlight for the non-adult trial version.
Illusion reaches out to English fans with Steam trial of VR Kanojo
Fuwanovel discussion thread

Sekai Project has boldly launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund merchandise for upcoming title Chrono Clock. I summarize my initial reaction.
Sekai Project launches Kickstarter preorder store for Chrono Clock

なんだこりゃ？！  Seriously, that was what I thought as I read this VN.  'What the heck is this?!'  Mmm... at times, it felt like I was reading an adult version of a children's picture book (if such things exist), at others I felt like I was reading a VN version of the various -gatari anime series, and at yet others, I almost thought this was just another charage. 
This VN is by Harukaze, a subsidiary of Minato Soft (makers of Majikoi) that has produced one other game before, Love of Ren'ai Koutei of LOVE!  I played that VN back when it came out, and I remember being more than a little disappointed in it.  The VN started out well, got weird toward the middle, and fizzled out toward the end. 
To be honest, I have almost the same conclusion for this one... except you have to cut out the first part, leaving only the middle and end.  This VN was weird (sometimes funny, sometimes not so) from beginning to end, and if I were to give it a simple stamp for quality... it would probably be pretty low.  There is no real way in which to get emotionally involved with the characters, because the constant shifting from Nora's perspective to the fully-voiced narrator (his deceased mother), and the girls' perspectives gets in the way.  The reason I thought it was funny was precisely because of that narrator... but it is the kind of harem you would have seen in an anime from the nineties or right after the turn of the century (not very good and more than a little repetitive). 
There were a lot of points in this VN that should have been emotional, but the writer obviously didn't actually want you to get emotional... because they were almost all immediately interrupted by something meant to be comedic (I say 'meant to be' because it often isn't).  This VN had enormous potential to fall into the dark side... (in a good way).  I mean, the main heroine is basically undead, another heroine is part-machine, and the other two are both a bit messed up themselves.  So, I have to ask the writer, if he'll answer... just what were you trying to do here?  I ask because this weird mix-up just doesn't work all that well. 
It isn't bad per-se... but I don't know how to feel about it.  It doesn't leave me feeling irritated like a bad charage would... but it isn't satisfying in any way, shape, or form.  So, just what am I supposed to do with a VN like this? 
My final conclusion is that I have absolutely no idea who would like this VN, but I'm sure someone will. 
Edit: Just to clarify... this really isn't a bad VN.  It is just insists on turning even the most serious events into jokes that sometimes seriously aren't funny.

Nutaku has a long history of undisclosed censorship, but this is surprisingly little known among eroge fans. DMCA abuses suggest a deliberate cover-up.
Nutaku caught abusing DMCA takedowns to censor evidence of censorship
Fuwanovel forum thread

Seinarukana is an ambitious visual novel / SRPG hybrid that should appeal to fans of anime-style JRPGs like Ar tonelico and Agarest War.
In-Depth Review: Seinarukana + Info Hub
Review highlights:
Pros:
Classic JRPG storyline mixing comedy and high fantasy Streamlined battle system with decent depth and no grind Good value even at full price New game + adds replayability  Choose the heroine Nozomu ends up with All major characters except protagonist fully-voiced in Japanese, some good BGMs
Cons:
The game is less impressive in 2016 than it was in 2007 Like many JRPGs, the characters and writing lack maturity Stereotypical harem protagonist The gameplay doesn't have the depth, especially in customization, of some mainstream JRPGs Route branches aren't sufficiently different to justify a second playthrough Combat becomes monotonous after a while, especially on subsequent playthroughs

Seinarukana is an ambitious visual novel / SRPG hybrid that should appeal to fans of anime-style JRPGs like Ar tonelico and Agarest War.
In-Depth Review: Seinarukana + Info Hub
Review highlights:
Pros:
Classic JRPG storyline mixing comedy and high fantasy Streamlined battle system with decent depth and no grind Good value even at full price New game + adds replayability  Choose the heroine Nozomu ends up with All major characters except protagonist fully-voiced in Japanese, some good BGMs
Cons:
The game is less impressive in 2016 than it was in 2007 Like many JRPGs, the characters and writing lack maturity Stereotypical harem protagonist The gameplay doesn't have the depth, especially in customization, of some mainstream JRPGs Route branches aren't sufficiently different to justify a second playthrough Combat becomes monotonous after a while, especially on subsequent playthroughs

Seinarukana is an ambitious visual novel / SRPG hybrid that should appeal to fans of anime-style JRPGs like Ar tonelico and Agarest War.
In-Depth Review: Seinarukana + Info Hub
Review highlights:
Pros:
Classic JRPG storyline mixing comedy and high fantasy Streamlined battle system with decent depth and no grind Good value even at full price New game + adds replayability  Choose the heroine Nozomu ends up with All major characters except protagonist fully-voiced in Japanese, some good BGMs
Cons:
The game is less impressive in 2016 than it was in 2007 Like many JRPGs, the characters and writing lack maturity Stereotypical harem protagonist The gameplay doesn't have the depth, especially in customization, of some mainstream JRPGs Route branches aren't sufficiently different to justify a second playthrough Combat becomes monotonous after a while, especially on subsequent playthroughs

Seinarukana is an ambitious visual novel / SRPG hybrid that should appeal to fans of anime-style JRPGs like Ar tonelico and Agarest War.
In-Depth Review: Seinarukana + Info Hub
Review highlights:
Pros:
Classic JRPG storyline mixing comedy and high fantasy Streamlined battle system with decent depth and no grind Good value even at full price New game + adds replayability  Choose the heroine Nozomu ends up with All major characters except protagonist fully-voiced in Japanese, some good BGMs
Cons:
The game is less impressive in 2016 than it was in 2007 Like many JRPGs, the characters and writing lack maturity Stereotypical harem protagonist The gameplay doesn't have the depth, especially in customization, of some mainstream JRPGs Route branches aren't sufficiently different to justify a second playthrough Combat becomes monotonous after a while, especially on subsequent playthroughs

Seinarukana is an ambitious visual novel / SRPG hybrid that should appeal to fans of anime-style JRPGs like Ar tonelico and Agarest War.
In-Depth Review: Seinarukana + Info Hub
Review highlights:
Pros:
Classic JRPG storyline mixing comedy and high fantasy Streamlined battle system with decent depth and no grind Good value even at full price New game + adds replayability  Choose the heroine Nozomu ends up with All major characters except protagonist fully-voiced in Japanese, some good BGMs
Cons:
The game is less impressive in 2016 than it was in 2007 Like many JRPGs, the characters and writing lack maturity Stereotypical harem protagonist The gameplay doesn't have the depth, especially in customization, of some mainstream JRPGs Route branches aren't sufficiently different to justify a second playthrough Combat becomes monotonous after a while, especially on subsequent playthroughs

Translation errors in English releases often go undetected. Join me as I plunge down the rabbit hole to see how such errors affect the experience.
Seinarukana: A compilation of translation errors in the official English release

Translation errors in English releases often go undetected. Join me as I plunge down the rabbit hole to see how such errors affect the experience.
Seinarukana: A compilation of translation errors in the official English release

Translation errors in English releases often go undetected. Join me as I plunge down the rabbit hole to see how such errors affect the experience.
Seinarukana: A compilation of translation errors in the official English release

Last time I talked about trade-offs in editing and high-level motifs; macro-scale stuff. This time, I want to talk about a micro-scale topic: how to make an individual line better. As before, I'll be demonstrating this with examples drawn from recent editing experience. Before writing this post, I went around looking for other people talking about similar things, and I found this reference: http://kristensguide.com/Writing/powerful_sentences.asp. Frankly, it's great; probably better than what I have, especially in terms of breadth of topics. Give it a read and get your editing learning on. For this post, I'm going to deep dive into one single topic mentioned there, though, for which I've been saving up examples: putting the first and last words of your sentence to good use.
The first and last words of a sentence are powerful. They're memorable. Forgetting the middle of a sentence is natural, so put a word at the end of a sentence when you really, really want that one word to be remembered.
Okay, so what did you get from that last paragraph. I hope it was "first", "powerful", "memorable", "forgetting", and "remembered", because that's the point of this blog post.
Anyway, let's look at some examples from my recent edits to Majo Koi Nikki, some to the prologue patch we're about to release, and some later. I'll point out other things that I changed as well and why, but this one point is going to be the running theme.
 
Original:
  Looking in the mirror, she pondered for a second and answered with a shy smile on her face.
Potential problems:
- "on her face" is extraneous
- that extraneous phrase is squatting on valuable real estate at the end of the sentence.
Mine:
  Looking in the mirror, she pondered for a second, and then she answered with a shy smile.
Changes:
- drop "on her face" (for both reasons above - it's less verbose, and now I get "smile" as the last word in the sentence, which is great)
- the comma after "she ponders for a second" is intended to give the reader that same mental pause as "she" has, to better set up the last part
- "then she" somehow pushes you out of that mental pause and into the most important part: that shy smile, lingering at the end of the sentence.
 
Original:
  Tokeizaka-san irritatedly flips through the book, but her hand stops suddenly.
Potential problems:
- With the benefit of spell-check, "irritatedly" => irritably
- "suddenly" is often overused
I actually really like the original; if you left it alone, aside from the spell-check correction, I wouldn't fault you for it. The verbs are great, "irritably" is a good use of a modifier, and the sentence communicates multiple events very concisely. But there's always room for improvement.
Mine:
  Irritated, Tokeizaka-san flips through the book, until her hand suddenly stops.
Changes:
- Drop "suddenly." "Stops" is strong enough to carry that feeling of suddenness on its own, so "suddenly" is only making things weaker. I've also noticed a tendency for raw JP translations to overuse "suddenly", which makes me especially biased to remove it. It's the typical problem of overuse: if everything is happening suddenly, it might as well all be happening normally.
- Move those good words, "irritably" and "stops" to the memorable points of the sentence. "Stops" we got for free, "irritably" requires a small bit of juggling. Unfortunately, Tokeizaka-san's family name is a bit unwieldy at best; better to bury it in the middle of the sentence and let the nice, emotive words take pride of place.
- Swapping "but" for "until" made for a clearer plot to the sentence, I thought.
 
Original:
- The colorful beauty article are displayed neatly.
Potential problems:
- Engrish
- Passive voice
- Not flashy enough
Mine:
- Iridescent beauty products dot the shelves, arranged with flawless precision.

On that last potential problem: normally my style is pretty spare. My typical goal is to drop adjectives and adverbs, and make verbs and nouns stronger to carry the weight of description, without going overboard on vocabulary. More often than not, I'm trying to make long sentences shorter and punchier.
I didn't do that here.
For context on why, it would help for you to hear the ridiculously high-brow BGM accompanying this scene and see the gorgeous background art. So, here:
Background:


BGM:
 
Equally important for context, you need to know about the surrounding narration: basically, the narrator is currently marveling at just how amazing this beauty parlor is.
One of the benefits of generally being spare with your adjectives and adverbs is that they then work a lot better when you actually do pull them out. A good mental model is that you have a budget: don't spend your nice words if you don't need to. Only pull them out when you're going for the razzle dazzle. The analogy breaks down fast, but basically, if you're constantly using flowery language and overdecorating the ordinary scenes, nobody's going to be impressed when something extraordinary happens, just like the overuse of "suddenly" I mentioned earlier. Since this actually is an extraordinary moment for our narrator, I'm spending a few nice words now.
And again, I want to call attention to the first and last words of the sentence. Those are strong places in a sentence (or, especially in the case of a VN, a line). Previously there were pretty weak words there ("The colorful" and "neatly"); now we've got "iridescent" and "precision". Good words in good places.
 
One last thing to mention. I wrote each of these up in the middle of editing, and then later edited that up into a blog post. I made changes to the edited line itself in the process of writing all this stuff up, which made it better. In fact, I even noticed a problem while writing up this blog post and further refined the line. You'll never know what it was (probably). The point being, simply spending time reflecting on an edit, and especially writing down your observations and motivations for certain choices, will help you do better work. You don't have to be this thorough all the time (I certainly am not), but every time you do an exercise like that, you'll learn from it, and then you can write up your own blog post and teach me something.
 

Baldr Sky is a high-caliber action game/visual novel hybrid and GIGA's finest work, but eroge fans must unite if they want to see an uncut release.

Sekai Project Forum Poll: Would you buy Baldr Sky if the full 18+ version were made available?
Baldr Sky: Rallying for an uncut version of a landmark eroge

Baldr Sky is a high-caliber action game/visual novel hybrid and GIGA's finest work, but eroge fans must unite if they want to see an uncut release.

Sekai Project Forum Poll: Would you buy Baldr Sky if the full 18+ version were made available?
Baldr Sky: Rallying for an uncut version of a landmark eroge

Baldr Sky is a high-caliber action game/visual novel hybrid and GIGA's finest work, but eroge fans must unite if they want to see an uncut release.

Sekai Project Forum Poll: Would you buy Baldr Sky if the full 18+ version were made available?
Baldr Sky: Rallying for an uncut version of a landmark eroge

NSFW?
 
I'll say it straight out... in my mind, Draculius is one of the top two vampire VNs in existence... with the other one being Vermilion by Light.  Meromero Cute was a company that had a tendency toward making... eccentric works.  Mahou Shoujo no Taisetsu na koto is particularly memorable for the cross-dressing protagonist who spends a ridiculous amount of time being reverse-raped in a magical girl costume...  It used the fact that nobody expects mahou shoujo stories and settings to be consistent to go a bit crazy...
Draculius is a bit different... the protagonist, Jun, is the kind of guy who would be a hero in an otome game.  While he isn't voiced (a mistake in my mind, but one that is common) his narration and lines have so much personality that you never see him as a 'standard' protagonist.  There are precisely two paths in this VN... a 'joke' path where Jun doesn't make the full transition to a vampire during the story (focused on Rian and Zeno), and a true path, where Jun confronts the people hiding behind the curtains in the course of building his vampiric harem of a trigger-happy tsundere vampire-hunting nun, an ancient vampire who was once his father's vassal and lover, a vampire 'ojousama' whom everyone takes joy in teasing, and a loyal werewolf maid who makes  a hobby out of tricking her mistress into making a fool of herself.
The action in this VN is actually a bit above the standard for chuunige of the era, though it doesn't match works by Light.  At times there are battles of wits, and there is enough comedy to make a lot of modern charage seem boring.  To this day, I've never met a loli in a VN that matches Belche for characterization (yes, I include stuff by Favorite).  The multitude of roles she takes on and the layers to her personality and viewpoint on life make her one of the few 'ancient heroines' who doesn't seem in the least bit fake. 
One of the things that is most important in a vampire story of any type is the perspective... to be blunt, a vampire setting where the vampires don't drink blood or are fundamentally harmless is... boring, to say the least.  Vampires in Draculius are nothing of the sort... in particular 'Seconds', vampires made from humans, can only turn humans into zombie-like Roams (and can potentially do so just by biting someone), so vampirism is actually a legitimate threat.  Firsts, like the protagonist and Rian (also called Shiso, like the True Ancestors in the Tsukihime world), don't have any of the vulnerabilities of their servant vampires... and they can make vampires that are sane.  However, most Firsts perspectives are... warped, to say the least.  There is nothing worse than a justified sense of superiority to make people insanely arrogant, lol.
The actual story of this tilts back and forth between the more absurd slice-of-life and the more serious parts, but this is one of those rare VNs that manages the balance nearly perfectly.  People die, the protagonist kills, and the enemy is ruthless (as is Belche, lol).  However, the slice of life in this VN tends to serve as a bright and amusing contrast to the darker elements, keeping it from becoming a purely serious VN. 
Overall, replaying this VN has confirmed to me something that I had more or less guessed over the last few years... they don't make ones like this one anymore, lol.
Edit: The pic is Belche just after she became a vampire.
Edit2: ... for those who wonder, the h-scenes in this VN... are pretty unique.  Most of them switch between Jun's and the girls' perspectives...