Mr. Poltroon's Random Short Stories

[Mr Poltroon]

Mr. Poltroon Leaves the Basement

Spoiler

 

Episode 1 - The Party

Spoiler

In my neighborhood there's this party that happens once a year, and has been going on for a couple of years now. It just so happens that said party was today. 

 

Last week, my sister came home from school, and at around dinner time said something outrageous in a carefree manner.

Sister: "Oh, yeah, Neighbor A told me that the annual party will be next Saturday"

Spitting my tomato juice out would be incredibly messy, so I settled with inconspicuously dropping my tableware right on the ground. 

This was not the first time I had to go to this dreaded party. I had gone to it at least two other times, having skipped it last year due to great timing. Now it would appear that I'd need to come up with a good excuse or the circus act that the last two parties were would repeat itself. 

I then went and conveniently forgot about it until today. 

 

My day was actually going pretty well, but I had no excuse not to go. 

(Welp, that's my day spoiled)

The finer details of the party were already set, it would be today from 10PM to around 3AM. 

In the heat of the moment I came up with a most cunning plan. I went to have a nap at 9. If all went according to well, I'd sleep right through the party, and tomorrow I could just shrug it off saying

"I'm so sorry, I accidentally fell asleep early and didn't wake up until early today. It's a real shame I couldn't go this year either..."

As luck would have it, though, I woke up right around 9:40.

I could just fall asleep again, but my dear sister showed up in my room at that precise moment. Seeing me awake, she quickly told me off

Sister: "What the hell? It's nearly time to go and you're dressed like that? Go comb your hair and get some proper clothes. You look like you're dressed to do some wall painting"

True enough, as I had planned to sleep through the night I had put some old clothes on. Mostly because if I got into my pajamas, you can be sure I'd get my arse kicked by my sisters later.

 

You may think the plan would've failed either way, after all, she came to check on me, trustworthy as I am. But no, courtesy of my mother, it is a strict rule not to wake up sleeping people in my family. Maybe we just have terrible temper, but I remember punching my sister quite a few times for waking me up when I was younger. Something I wouldn't dream of doing if I was properly awake.

Anyways, plan foiled, I then rushed to get ready. And true to form, we were all ready to go about 20 minutes after the appointed time. Please note, the sister who told me to get dressed was the last one to show up ready. Just a little detail for you.

 

Everyone out the door and into the street. I check my phone. I don't have my phone. Back in the house I go.

Now here's something funny. When it's me, nobody waits like they did for my sister. By the time I come back out, the street's deserted. And of course I don't know which house is hosting the sodding party.

I stand at least 15 minutes scanning the street for any other people that were also going. No such luck.

In the end, I decide to try whichever luck I could still claim to have and go from memory.

(Hopefully, the party will be at the same place it was two years ago...)

True enough, it was. I didn't exactly shine with joy due to the discovery, though.

 

Being the outgoing person that I am, I don't know any of my neighbors faces, much less the names. 

How exactly does one go about entering a party full of people you don't know? Unlike my sister, I'm not the kind of person with the ability to start a conversation with any random pedestrian. In fact, having a normal conversation with someone I don't know is hard enough as it is. 

Nevertheless, I charge right in to the open lawn full of people. Nobody even bats an eye at the appearance of this person they probably don't recognize from anywhere. 

(I guess this is what a party is, any random person can just show up...)

My family, consisting of my older sister, my younger sister, and my parents are now somewhere in this huge house that's hosting the party. Good luck finding them. 

(So what do I do now...?) 

Attempt to strike a conversation, or find a way to try and look natural. That would be a normal turn of events. But me being me, I immediately start walking around the house looking for someone I know. It's not going well. And I think I couldn't possibly look more conspicuous. 

Fortunately, I fall to my backup plan, and manage to look more natural. Said plan consists of staying glued to the table with the food on it, I might as well mention. 

After eating way too much for my own good, 20 minutes have gone past, and it's still way too early high-tail it out of there.

 

In the meanwhile, I finally found some members of my family, but they're all fun and games in the middle of a multitude of people. Trying to fit in now would be a waste of time. Then I quickly notice,

(A waste of time? But that's exactly what I'm looking for)

And so, I charge right into a group of people who probably think I actually know their names. 

Thank god for my unparalleled ability to laugh in any event. As jokes are thrown around every 10 seconds, I can manage to look like I'm part of the group by laughing all the time. However, it is also pretty easy to notice that I haven't talked in ever since I joined this group.

 

Then somebody asks me a question, all hell goes loose.

After answering in my weak and fragile voice, everyone else starts trying to talk to me too. Soon enough, I quickly turn about and head for the nearest bathroom. Time to take a breather. 

(What's the next course of action? I've spent almost an hour here, maybe I could bugger off now?)

Thinking that if I were to do so my sister would bug the living hell out of me, I then decide to stay for a little longer.

 

Karaoke starts, hilarity ensues. 

However, said hilarity gives me the perfect cover for me to head to the dessert table while everyone's so busy. Or so I thought. 

Neighbor: "Oh! Could you do me a favor?"

"Oh, but of course" I say with utmost confidence, since I'm even more confident I'd be unable to refuse.

He asks me to make an alcoholic beverage for him.

(Bloody hell! Now I've done it)

I don't actually drink, so I have no idea how whatever he asked for is even made. 

After 5 minutes, I resort to ask my party-hard drunkard of a mother. By the time I find her and convince her to come with me, I cross paths the neighbor who asked me for the drink. He has a beverage in his hand, which stands out like a sore thumb to my tired eyes. 

"Oh! Nevermind about the drink, I was right next to the stand anyways"

Yeah, right. I took way too long and he decided to do it himself. Now I've got an inquisitive mother on my back and a guilt trip right in front of me. 

 

Somehow managing to shrug it all off with my heart of steel, I carefully tread toward the holy grail, the dessert table. 

Reaching the goal, I stay there for another 20 minutes, taking a bite out of anything edible, including, although accidentally, a bit of a napkin.

There was also a chocolate cake in which I spent 5 minutes trying to take an intact slice out of, but that was just impossible. Except for the person who showed up and did it perfectly right after I gave up.

And so I waste even more time trying to get another intact slice. 

Practice makes perfect, and after countless tries I did it. Problem is, I'm way too full to eat it, since I've spent the last 10 minutes eating all of my mess ups. 

My younger sister trots over, probably looking for something to eat.

(Chance!)

And so I give my sister an intact slice of cake with a smug look.

 

Having had dessert, food and awkwardly talked with some people, I think the party has fulfilled it's purpose. At last, I decide to head home, while being conscious of the fact that I'll probably be gossip material for the next few weeks.

[Down]

 

Said plan consists of staying glued to the table with the food on it, I might as well mention.

[Mr Poltroon]

Also is it normal that reading this makes me somehow think of The Great Gatsby?

I wouldn't know since I have no idea what that is.

 

Also, I've reread and edited some stuff to make it more intelligible. If you've already manged to read it to the end then good for you. Don't bother doing it again, for your sake.

[Mr Poltroon]

Added a new, really short one. In case some madman's interested for some reason.

[Stray Cat]

Christmas.....

 

Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just a really short thing, since I did it anyway I might as well share. This will be going under our Christmas three, if we bother making one.

I lol'd.  

[Mr Poltroon]

I lol'd.  

What can I say? Some people use trees, we use threes.

[Mr Poltroon]

The start of another story, made especially for you masochists.

[Stray Cat]

I was surprised to learn Celtiberians are actually a thing.

 

[Mr Poltroon]

No. I can't stick to my word so I've censored my post removing all fake promises.