Considering the length of your piece you need make sure you hook the reader within the first few lines. The opening line leaves a little to be desired and should have more of an impact on the reader in order to prepare them for the ominous scene ahead. Also keep in mind that the reader should also inhabit the protagonist's head within the first few paragraphs in order to ground the reader in the story. It would be nice if the protagonist could have more of a reaction to the outside of the shop so that the reader gets an idea why the protagonist decided to go inside in the first place. The name is fine, and is the first step in hooking us in, but set up the outside environment more so that we can see the sharp contrast when the protagonist first steps inside the shop. Were there people walking around? Were they as enticed by the shop as the protagonist was or he was the only one ensnared by its appearance? Was there something uncanny about the place that unnerved the protagonist?
It wasn't until the third paragraph or so that I finally felt like I was immersed in the story. The interior of the shop is nicely described and I could get a sense of the atmosphere hovering over this place. Make sure to give as much detail to the dolls as you do with the shop, since it is the title of the story and I expected it be the focus of what was about to happen. You don't need to describe each and every doll, but make sure to describe their general characteristics so that they clearly reflect the uneasy feeling the protagonist has about the shop. Simply saying they are dirty doesn't do enough for the reader's five senses.
As for the plot, it seems to be about a strange old man that takes people's souls and traps them in dolls. I could get the sense that the inside of this shop was removed from the outside reality. This was supported by the fact that there was no one around when the protagonist goes inside. Of course, this could mean that it was simply nighttime and he was walking by a deserted street. I am merely going by what is in the story, so it is conjecture at this point as to the time and place in which this story occurs. I was a bit confused at the end of the story when the protagonist suddenly gets up and looks into the mirror because he was pretty adamant about not being able to move. Make sure you transition properly between character actions so that it is not jarring for the reader when a character appears somewhere he shouldn't be.
By the end of the story the protagonist is trapped in another realm and it looks like he will be trapped inside a doll. I'm curious as to the nature of the owner of the shop and his magical abilities. Due to the length of the story it's fine that things are a bit ambiguous. Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and wish you luck on your future drafts!
Thank you so much for suggesting edits. I've taken most of what you've suggested and edited my work accordingly. Also, to clear up a bit of the confusion, he didn't get up, but rather the cashier had placed the mirror in front of him, I just didn't portray it properly. And, as the cashier explained, there are two "sides" or "versions" of the shop itself. The connection between the two are the mirrors, which is the reason behind the disappearing doll in the bathroom, as well as the fact that the protagonist wasn't reflected in the mirror when turned into a doll; he was still in the original dimension. One version is dirty and in a state of disrepair with a few dolls here and there, the other is clean like a hospital with little need of upkeep, and has many more dolls.
Also, concerning the trash can, the cashier didn't have to cover it. Once someone entered the shop, he'd make sure they couldn't leave no matter what.
Thank you for enjoying my story. I find it interesting that I made this story specifically to put it here. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit. Have you written any stories? I'd love to read one of them sometime.
