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HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY

Fiddle

By Fiddle
in The Coliseum of Chatter

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AMERICA  

13 members have voted

  1. 1. WHAT'S THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

    • AMERICA
      4
    • THE USA
      1
    • THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
      3
    • some other country (JUST KIDDING AMERICA)
      5

This poll is closed to new votes


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Fiddle Fuwa Elite

Fiddle

Posted
Posted

TODAY WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF THE GREATEST GODDAMN NATION EVER BIRTHED Y'ALL

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For those of you unfamiliar with the country, let me give you a brief summary of the US of A.

America is located here:

America-2014.png

As America has the greatest GDP (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the world, we trade a lot of things. Our largest export is freedom. In exchange for this 24-carat unadulterated gluten-free freedom, other countries shower us gratefully with oil.

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Landmarks of America's culture include the apple pie, baseball, cheeseburgers, and Irish people. The official symbol of America is the bald eagle.

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America was founded in 1776 when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, in which we said "GO TO HELL" to George III of England, to which George replied "i don't have any power anymore you should talk to the prime minister also we're called great britain now because scotland lost all their money when they tried to colonize panama for some reason," to which we replied, "WE WON'T STAND FOR YOUR MONARCHIC TYRANNICALITY ENGLAND."

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So we fought a bloody war and stripped ourselves of the colonial despotism of England, but then we were like "alright we still need to trade with you and stuff so we're cool now."

However, the only form of unity we had back then was the Articles of Federation which kind of sucked, so we wrote the Constitution and subsequently freedomed all over the place.

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The first 10 amendments to the Constitution comprise the Bill of Rights. Many argue that the First Amendment is first because it makes us the most freedomy. I draw from this the corollary that the amendments are ranked in order of freedominess. For example, the Thirteenth Amendment, which bans slavery, comes after the Second Amendment, which guarantees us the guns that exemplify our liberty.

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With that all established, we then kept moving to the West while sort of pushing away some guys who already lived there, but we let them have tax-free casinos now so it's all cool.

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Oh, and when the founding fathers were countryfying the country, they were all like, "Should we ban slavery?" and someone else was like, "Ehhhhh, that'd cause a lot of problems. I'm sure they'll come up with a solution to that later on."

So then we had the Civil War and everything was solved!

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All thanks to a guy named Abraham Lincoln, who proclamated the Emancipation Proclamation which banned the shizzle out of slavery. Well, sort of. That's a story for another day.

Abraham_Lincoln_-_Vampire_Hunter_Poster.

Then we had a big Industrial Revolution where we prospered but remained pretty isolationist. However, we still wanted our good friend Japan on the other side of the world to be less isolationist, so we sent Matthew Perry over to talk about opening up their borders, and also sent a giant indestructible navy with him because I guess he was a pretty self-conscious person.

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Later on, a bunch of European guys were fighting over who's better at faking soccer injuries or whatever, so after they all beat themselves up we went in and finished it all.

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And then President Woodrow Wilson was like, "Okay, you guys gotta stop this war shizzle," so he created super awesome peace-keeping international unity freedom organization The League of Nations and invited everybody.

And then we decided not to join it.

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“I can predict with absolute certainty that within another generation there will be another world war if the nations of the world do not concert the method by which to prevent it.”

So after a while the Europeans had another world war over whose bicycle was the coolest or something, and this time we got pretty involved.

President Franklin D. socialist-lite Roosevelt brought us through the war against the freedom-hating Nazis and the Chinese-people-hating Japanese people. But he died before it ended so President Harry S my-middle-name-is-literally-"S" Truman saw it through to the end by dropping an atomic bomb on Japan and then told them to make us TVs and stuff.

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And then we saw that our former friends Homie Joe Stalin and Mao Zedope weren't cool and they were all like, "Yeah, well you're not our comrade anymore," and we eventually got into a war in Korea and Vietnam and lots of other Ching Chong Chang lands, but then the USSR died of bad economy syndrome and China decided they could instead go to war with us by giving us lots of plastic products and stuff.

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And that's a history of the United America of America.

There were also some other significant people and events in America's history that you'll need to talk to a history man about because I'm busy.

richard_nixon_fighting_a_saber_tooth_tig

teddy_roosevelt_vs__bigfoot_by_sharpwrit

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And with that, Happy America Day! Go spread the greatness of this nation to all your friends so that they will aspire to someday be America!

(I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS 10 MINUTES TOO SOON I'M SORRY AMERICA)

Mugi Fuwa Elite

Mugi

Posted
Posted

tfw you thought it was just called The Fourth of July and thought Independence Day was a completely separate occasion

#realamurrican

Darklord Rooke Fuwa Master

Darklord Rooke

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, Fred the Barber said:

I was going to call you out for posting this before the actual day, but then you mentioned it and owned your own mistake. How un-American of you.

When this was posted it was the 4th in all the Commonwealth countries. I'm thinking Fiddle secretly lives in one of them :3

Valmore Fuwa Elite

Valmore

Posted
Posted
42 minutes ago, Polycentric said:

We won't need US History courses anymore with this 100% accurate post. 

Incomplete. No mention of the most awesomest of the founding fathers. So damn awesome, Puffy wrote a gawddamn song about him and got his mug on the hunnerd dollar bill. Fucking invented electricity with a kite and a mouse. Got mad bitches in England, France and 'MURICA. Ben Muthafuckin' Franklin, yo.

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