I may excerptspost of My book here if people are interested

[Gahaha]

Well, the title says it all I may post a small portion of my story to see if you guys are feeling it so far. It Starts out kind of Like a standard adventure game plot but, goes more and more into its  own direction as the book/series goes along. lol 

 

One possible thing to keep in mind anything in bold is the older main character reflecting on his younger days.

[Amano Sora]

Sure I'll read it Doin somethin like that myself.

[Gahaha]

whoops I didn't catch that typo thanks

 

In your title I think you meant to spell it excerpts

 

But I think it would be cool if you did post some.

I think to start I will do the unusually long prologue lol I did try to cut it down but ultimately couldn't I still think its at least entertaining lol 

[Gahaha]

Games, long have they been an escape from our troubles and boredom. A fantasy world sometimes far different from our own. Often taking on the role one enveloping, you in delusion.

 

As I reflect back I Now Realize That I was the same.

 

Just a young man escaping the dull-drum. That I felt when my original way of life was, greatly hindered.” Little did I know my life would be forever, impacted by this very escape.

 

This is a recounting of how this all began. A Journal of all my events up until this final point. I leave this for whoever finds it, as a way to preserve my memory in case we fail. Read it. and let the Truth be known. Follow me on my adventure within.

 

Moments, Later a young man with a solid frame is sitting outside in a forest basked in hue from the setting sun, far into North of the horizon. Lie The distant glacier, mountains, Of Yangul. The site of A once and For all clash between The Kingdom Of Xavier And the Alacurst Empire and where his party is headed.

 

 

A cool wind blows from the North Making His long black hair seemingly dance and sway. As the crystal clear waters of the near by Lake. echo’s softly, against the bank.

 

His brown eyes shimmer with a gleam of hope. As His, crescent moon insignia armor gleams in the sun. Its enchanted Carbon steel brims with a piercing red.  Matching what is known to this world as the Day Moon.

 

His Orihalcon Greaves shine with a radiance unsurpassed. Lastly secured on his belt ever ready for their duty. Reside The Deadly Viper’s Fangs.

knuckles capable of not only dealing towering blows But, Killing foes slowly as poison numbs their bodies. A weapon well earned. Befitting only of the strongest & most cunning.

 

 

“It’s finished.”

 

“Oi so you got it done eh? Brunei, I think you worry too much mate but, I suppose, if we succeed this could make a lot of money if we produced several copies eh?”

 

Emerging from the camp tent a woman walks over to him her blue eyes normally stained with tragedy and bitter memories now carry a sense of calm. The scars on her body from many battles only seem to add to her unique charm. Her fire red hair is now brushed back neatly down from its usual braids adding to the serenity granted in this moment.

 

"You’re ambitious as usual Neva.”

 

He turns to look at her with his enticing hazel eyes

 

“Wow you truly do, look like a rose today defiantly. Charming. You even look better in your armor then normal I didn’t know mist viper skin and Boots could look so cute.”

 

“Oi, shut up your going make me blush, and then I’ll have to hit you for embarrassing me. Sides even a woman like me has to tend to erself once in awhile.”

 

She backs away unusually abashed and begins nervously fiddling with one of her daggers. Almost instantaneously, flames shoot out nearly burning Brunei as it zooms past his face,

 

"Hey! watch it with your dagger will you? If I must be barbecued. I don't want it to be by someone I like."

 

"Sorry Mate, I sometimes forget these things have souls of their own. These, Armatt’s Harmony and Mastema’s Hostility daggers sure are somethin I never thought I would see those two sides coexistin."

 

Low humming sounds as if laughing can be heard from the daggers.

 

“Oi, cut it out for a sec, would ya guys I am trying to talk with Brunei! A stern authority is heard in her voice that would make the blood of most men cold. The daggers fall dead silent

 

speakin of that, now that I know yer real name ya sure you don't wanna be called John?”

 

"Nah it’s okay, the truth must not be known yet. stick to Brunei, to cause less confusion among. Xaviers Men I appreciate the thought though.”

She pauses, to collect her thoughts. However, Brunei continues on breaking the silence.

 

“Although, you have come a long way, you’re almost living a completely honest life now. I remember how we met.” He chuckles playfully.

 

“Same to yerself mate when I met ya you were nothin more than an ankle-biter a cute one but an ankle biter nonetheless.”

 

As The two are happily laughing together reminiscence their early days. A twig snaps causing them to immediately turn around and draw their weapons.

 

 

“Oh, I’m not interrupting anything am I?” A woman Ordained in battle robes, and of fair complexion and emerald green eyes illuminate her light brown hair. Tied back in a ribbon with a tiny wing shaped bell Emerges from up behind them. Standing on Brunei’s other side.

 

“Oh hey, Allure what’s up? He asks his voice still carries a hint of surprise, from, the sudden situation.

 

{“I can fight monsters, and kill some men with one punch Yet, being close to these two, causes my blood, to rush. Calm down.”}

She looks, at Brunei seeing his face, turn red.

 

{“Maybe I did interrupt something. Ah well, this could be our last moments together, I want to be with them, one last time just encase.”}

 

“You didn’t intrude after all we don’t get to many moments like this.”

 

“Thanks Brunei, I appreciate it. Taurus is still out hunting, and I just finished gathering some herbs you never know when we may need them After all.” She pauses to adjust her hair in a pony tail to prevent it swaying in the breeze. “Why didn’t you go with him Brunei?”

 

“I tried but he insisted on being alone this time.”

 

{“What's with this sudden stiff atmosphere, guess I better speak up, sides I can't decide who Allure is makin those eyes ova, it gives me the creeps, a bit.”}

 

Neva speaks up her head full of wonder.

 

“Tch, that guy is a more bloody secretive, then me. Still he’s dependable enough who knows he probably knew, about your book or somthin. Just glad he’s on our side.”

 

“Yeah, all I know is when he is in a mood like that. You better just leave him alone.” He looks up to the setting sky pondering then resumes speaking.

 

“I can’t Believe it’s been just over nine years since I ended up here. Not that I’m complaining. I mean, I have learned so much here that would be impossible in my world. I just wonder how my mom is sometimes.”

 

Neva and Allure sensing their comrades pain each grab one of his hands.

 

{“I hate seeing him like this. If there is anyone who can relate Its Me I must cheer him up.”}

 

{“Bloody amazin how a man, who has fought so many battles, gotten so strong and even happy bout travellin can have homesick moments. I can't remember, when I last thought about mine. now's not the time ta reminisce on ma past I hav ta help em,”}

 

“Brunei, it’s okay, I am sure she’s alright, I might not be able to remember much of my own life, but from being with you for so long something just tells me she’s alright.

 

“Yeah mate, if she’s anythin like you she should have more lives than a cat. Just hang in there. it’s like you told me all those years ago. You’re not alone, in your pain anymore you have us. I’ll follow you fer the rest of me life mate, I owe it to ya, for all ya hav done.”

 

Allure, Also continues to offers encouraging words to Him. “The same goes for me, ever since you have freed me from my burden. I have been slowly finding bits and pieces of my old self. I know if I stick with you, one day I will know, who I truly am. Plus I get to travel with a cute guy and girl.

 

The best of both worlds. Hehehe”, Allure laughs happily. The Fiery Neva soon has a face to match her usual demeanor.

“Cu... cut that out will ya? I got nothing against yer taste but I don’t swing that way. So don’t cha get any funny ideas now. Else I'll be am like a

 

rabid dog. If you make me weary I’ll pounce and you won’t like it..” In spite of her sharp words her face becomes an even deeper red.

 

“Oh Neva, haven’t you realized buy now your toughness is why I like you. You keep it up and I might have too kiss you.” She leans past Brunei and makes puckered lips, to Neva,

 

“Like Bloody Ell You Will!” Neva screams out as if panicked by the thought before calming after Hyperventilating I would rather face a monster Horde then kiss another girl, Mate.”

 

“Hahahaaha, Brunei Laughs out in spite of himself at the scene between his companions. “Please, Please stop this is to funny you guys are going to make me pee myself at this rate.”

 

Neva gives Bruni a quick slap to the back of the head.

 

“Hey, it was funny.”

 

Neva hits him again.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Brunei then takes deep breaths to calm himself so as not to make Neva anymore embarrassed.

“Thanks a lot, you guys I really appreciate it. I still can’t believe it’s finally approaching the coming days will decide everything." Hmm, He states in a quizzical tone.

On the other hand even after all this time I still haven’t gotten used to a constantly visible moon. Even if it bestows my powers in daylight it’s hard to get accustomed to still.”

 

GROAAAAAGH... a creature known as The Dragna Wolf a beast with dragon like wings and scorching fire breath, lets out its final cry As it is hit by its hawking sized muscle bound prey's Eagle Eye Morning star. As it Has it's flesh Rendered through and it's chest caved.

 

Its Executioner A man of nearly giant like proportion, skin as dark as night, blending with his blank vacant eyes, Despite this. his blindness is not crippling. On the contrary its empowering. For he can see, what others, cannot and hear, what can't be heard, He is Taurus. dawned in the skins of his various monster kills, he is a man who abides by the laws of nature.

 

“Bah, the game wasn’t even good practice today. I really didn’t need Brunei to come along, Tsk, my weapon once again reeks of the vile smell of these foul beast. Hard to believe these things used to give me so much trouble. and now I don’t even need to use any magic.” He returns his weapon to his holder at his side.

 

“We're all so much stronger now. I wonder Can, we finally put a stop to all this. What am I doing now is not the time for this crap. I can sense the Coming of night, the others are waiting and the time for battle draws near. He takes one last look at the sky perplexed by one thing. “Why won’t you fight with us my friends?” 

[Gahaha]

I appolgize for the spacing apperently that didn't transfer over lol

[Down]

I didn't read all of it yet, but from skimming over it I think you should start by fixing the form. There are syntax errors, misspells, commas appearing at the most odd places, random capitalization, and maybe missing words too from what I've seen. 

Then it'd be easier to judge the content.

[monkeysrumble]

I agree with Down as well. You may want to re-word some of your sentences as well to make them sound less awkward. I would go through and help you edit some stuff if you wanted me to but right now I need to write a political science paper. Time to log out and stop procrastinating. If you manage to do an edit next time I log in I can give you some feedback on content.

 

My number one advice however would be to replace some commas with periods and then do a little bit of rewording. This would help solve the issue for run on sentences and comma splice errors.

[Gahaha]

Hey, thanks truth be told I thought about doing all that too. but, just kind of wanted to get it out there and confirm my issues. I'll do the rewording first. Admittedly My skill with proofreading and proper grammar does lack sometimes may be an off shot of being self taught. In reading/writing. They had me in floater classes growing up.

[Gahaha]

Maybe i am missing some formatting trick here but posting it on the forum's has proven to be a mild annoyance lol The spacing from the actual file to this post is Radically different anyways I am posting the edited version after i make the spacing look closer to the file itself lol

[Gahaha]

Sorry, to keep posting here but, I just want to let you know that everyone's Critiques and suggestions was and is greatly appreciated,. It is with all your help I will become a better writer, as this book and this series develop more and more. From the bottom of the gaping void in my soul I thank you. no seriously though guys I'm grateful.  I finally have something to prove.  In that even if school, and teachers give up on you and even if you start to give up on yourself. If Your truly willing. To Learn and Adapt. In this day and age.  Even someone labeled as slow or special needs can succeed.

[Kaguya]

You could get an editor to fix that issue. Well, as long as you're having fun, all is fine.

Good luck.

[Gahaha]

You could get an editor to fix that issue. Well, as long as you're having fun, all is fine.

Good luck.

I know but, those usually that cost money. money I currently do not have lol Besides seeing what some of the others can do around here I feel like I should at least try and refine my skills. lol that being said I would not turn down someones help if they wanted to um, edit my edits. That way I can observe what they did. and try to incorporate that. Myself in the future. lol 

[Kaguya]

I know but, those usually that cost money. money I currently do not have lol Besides seeing what some of the others can do around here I feel like I should at least try and refine my skills. lol that being said I would not turn down someones help if they wanted to um, edit my edits. That way I can observe what they did. and try to incorporate that. Myself in the future. lol 

Haha. I'm by no means an editor (english isn't my native as well), but let me edit at least this phrase. Maybe you can get a better idea of the issues you're having.

 

I know, but those usually cost money- money I currently do not have. Besides, seeing what some of the others can do around here, I feel like I should at least try and refine my skills. That being said I wouldn't turn down someone's help if they wanted to edit my edits. That way I could observe what they did and try to incorporate that- Myself in the future.

[Gahaha]

Much, obliged this is going into my personal notes.

[Gahaha]

If you want I can go through and do that for you. You'll have to give me a day since I'm busy with other school work but I wouldn't mind.

Um sure. There's no need to rush take your time. I'll put my version and your version in separate files after your done.  You know I may just need to go over the basics of Punctuation and grammar. a bit too. Don't forget I am pretty much entirely self taught. lol I'm going to look for a site that goes over those rules. lol

[Gahaha]

 

Games. Long have they been an escape from our troubles and boredom. A fantasy world sometimes far different from our own; enveloping you in delusion.

As I reflect back, I now realize that I was the same. Just a young man escaping the dull-drum. I had felt that my original way of life was greatly hindered. Little did I know, my life would be forever impacted by this very escape.

This is a recounting of how this all began. A journal of all my events up until this final point. I leave this for whoever finds it, as a way to preserve my memory in case it fails. Read it, and let the truth be known. Follow me on my adventure within.

Moments later, a young man with a solid frame is sitting outside in a forest; basked in hue from the setting sun. Far into north of the horizon, lay the distant mountains of Yangul: the site of a great clash between The Kingdom Of Xavier and the Alacurst Empire. This is where his party is headed.

A cool wind blows from the north, making his long black hair seemingly dance and sway. The crystal clear waters of the nearby lake echo softly against the bank. His brown eyes shimmer with a gleam of hope.

The crescent moon insignia on theI armor he wears gleams in the sun. Its enchanted carbon steel glows a piercing red: matching perfectly with what is known to this world as the Day Moon. Similar to the armor, his Orihalcon Greaves shine with an unsurpassed radiance. Secured on his belt, ever ready for their duty, are The Deadly Viper’s Fangs. Its knuckles capable of not only dealing towering blows, but killing foes slowly as poison numbs their bodies. A weapon well earned, and befitting only of the strongest & most cunning.

 

Hopefully after reading the revisions I made there, similiar to what Kaguya did for you, you will be able to revise the rest of your work. I make mistakes too so if there are some in there, I apologize

 

I think one of the biggest things you need to work on is how you organize your ideas. It was hard even for me to edit the descriptions because your ideas were really jumbled up. In the very same paragraph you went on and talked about a lake and his eyes. When you're describing things, try and put relevant topics together. For example: If you want to talk about his eyes, then put any other facial/body descriptions in the same paragraph. This helps to prevent confusion when you move on from idea to idea.

 

Hope this helped and good luck with the rest of your writing

 

 

 

Ah good point there I actuallydid know that rule lol however it was  prologue. and it was getting pretty long so i cramed the descriptions all at once. except for the part where he's actually writing in his diery I may move it to tanother chapter and put it near the end of book one lol