EldritchCherub

Finished watching Death Parade Ep.4. Here are my thoughts:

True. Next person has climbed a tree before.

Welcome to the forums!

Welcome to the forums!

The list is missing a nope-gotta-get-out-of-here rank from 1-10 with each VN.

Due to time constraints I was only able to watch Selector Infected WIXOSS. Here's my review:

You get three yandere heroines in Yandere, but the story leave a lot to be desired. I'm afraid there aren't many english translated VNs at the moment with yandere heroines. The world needs more bloody love, wouldn't you say? You can also look at the yandere tags on VNDB and see if anything else catches your eye.

Ah, I didn't realize a doll had disappeared from the bathroom. I understood that someone or something was asking for help. Perhaps include a brief glimpse of it in the mirror in order to induce a feeling of dread in the reader. I also like the contrast between the 'dirty' world and the 'clean' world and would love to see more details that enhance this dichotomy in the story. Hmm, I guess it didn't really matter whether or not the protagonist had noticed the syringes then. It was still a nice detail to include to really cement the danger in the story. The owner of the store was just being sadistic by leaving those lying around XD I'll probably put a link to one of my stories in a couple of weeks on the google docs. Just fine tuning some things before I ask for feedback on this thread.

Welcome to the forums! You've got quite the varied taste in games. I'm sure you'll find something that will pique your interest among the many threads.

And so it begins... hopefully I can read an hour a day and have it done within a month. Is this related in any way to the events of Sekien no Inganock, or is it merely taking place within the same world?

@Stick1314 You can take a look at my corrections and annotations within the spoiler tag. Compare it with your previous draft in order to see where you might have some logical inconsistencies, insufficient detail, and grammar mistakes which can be easily revised with another revision. If you have any questions about the comments I put in bold feel free to leave a post here in this thread.

Hi, Chris! Welcome to the forums. Indeed, there are a lot of people here who work hard behind the curtains in order to ensure this place keeps running and translations finished.

Welcome to the forums! Glad to hear you enjoyed reading Grisaia on Kajitsu, it seems to be the entry point for a lot of people into the VN world.

True. If they could eradicate diseases from within (e.g cancer cells) or help us regenerate damaged organs that would be awesome. Next person likes to have a late-night snack.

I promise to get to your piece tomorrow. I'm a bit burnt out from all the homework I have at the moment, so it wouldn't be wise to give a critique in this state. For what it's worth, I have a Bachelor's in Creative Writing. Four years of writing workshops and a lot of essays is a nice way of getting experience, but I'm still a budding writer in many regards. I do whatever I can in order to better myself, even if that means going through other people's pieces, line by line. It's an arduous task, but I feel it will be pay off in the end. I'm not that experienced when it comes to grammar, instead I resort to analyzing the elements of craft. I've bought a few books on grammar, but for the life of me I'm unable to retain much of it XD Most of what I have to offer has been through internalizing what I've learned over the years. Simply put, instinct. Hopefully, I can better express myself in coming years and be able to identify everything by name. I could go into a lot more depth with everyone's pieces, but time constraints prohibit that.

@periah250 I've made the appropriate edits for syntax and grammar. Take a look at the bold sections and compare them with your earlier draft. After a while I didn't bold some of the errors because there were just too many. Make sure to read it a loud in order to get a sense of where you should stop your sentences and to avoid awkward phrasing. Suggestions are merely there as a guide. You don't need to blindly follow them, but understand that I did included them in order to improve the flow of your sentences and to emphasize an economy of words, as opposed to prolonged phrases which have the tendency of being redundant. If you have any questions just post them in this thread. I got a sense of Deadman Wonderland and Tokyo Ghoul when reading this piece. Whether or not you were striving for originality or merely creating a fanfiction is strictly up to you. I'm merely judging it by what I read here. I didn't get a good sense of what the underground city looked like. Be sure you include details that strike the five senses hard so that the reader is properly grounded in the setting. This will obviously requite substantial research, but I promise it is worth it. Eithernet seems like quite the intriguing place. It offers the possibility of hostility and promise depending on what side of the spectrum the inhabitants are on. I got a clear look at what the hierarchy is in this city, but not how it works in the grand scheme of things. Does the protagonist think of himself as another cog in the machine? What are the character's motivations in searching for this S rank character? There is a lot of exposition in the beginning which it makes it hard to properly inhabit the protagonist's head. Try to sprinkle some of these pieces of information throughout the story so that it doesn't mess with the pacing. You've got a lot of interesting details about masks and the powers that the protagonist has. I would encourage you to put as much attention to the city so that the reader is fully immersed in this world. There are some sudden tense shifts which are jarring so keep in mind what P.O.V you want to your story to be in and stick with it! You started getting a bit more creative with the powers near the end, which is good. Keep in mind that in order to keep the reader engaged it's important to subvert expectations so that the reader is surprised/captivated at every turn. Make sure that when you address the reader it is also intentional and not just for the sake of being clever. It has the effect of taking the reader out of the story. In this case, it made me question why the protagonist would be acting so out of character in those specific moments when he addresses the audience.

I saw five minutes and felt my brain cells melting. Poor Jim Carrey, what the hell do the Jesuits have against him? What the hell is a brain-to-brain communicator... telepathy? All I know is that Gail and Takumi (Chaos;head) would make a great pair.

I'll finish up Selector Infected and put up my review later today. I won't be able to watch the second season in time because I have to study for midterms. Sign me up for the next round. I recommend Break Blade.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVYWkF0CuYc

Is it feasible to learn how to hack from online courses/guides or would you all recommend learning some kind of specialty in two years while working toward a computer science degree?

@reyaes I like how the character repeats that mantra at the beginning of the piece. It seems be one of the only things acting like an anchor in his life. The struggle for one's inner strength and the realization that one's survival instinct can be tugged when one is at the brink of death is quite the powerful feeling. The piece has a very dark tone and the third person reflects very well how detached the protagonist is feeling from everyone else. It mentions that he was unable to hear anyone else's voice except the one in his head which shows that at the end of the day this is his own struggle and only with the strength of his resolve can he survive. The protagonist also realizes that his faith does not work the way he intended and that it is the a belief directed toward inward that will lead to salvation. Nevertheless, the protagonist questions why he returns to prayer even though the result he expects will not arrive. Moments like these where the protagonist questioned himself were well done and demonstrated a lot of interiority on part of the character. If this were a story I would be wondering how the protagonist ended up in the water and where his life will lead to after this event. As it stands, this short piece is an effective allegory for humans stranded at sea, desperately struggling for the strength to survive. I expected a more stream of consciousness centered piece because of the way you described it, but this works well at capturing a tense and frightening scene as well. It stands well on its own even if you decide not explore it any further. Thanks for sharing!

True. Like as a mascot, plushie, or...? Next person leaves tips after eating a meal at a restaurant.

Welcome to the forums! I see you're tackling some of the behemoths when it comes to English translated VNs. Hope you like grow to like it here and find some discussions you're willing to join. Do you prefer to play blind or use a walkthrough? I recommend taking a cursory glance at the Fate/Stay Night and Clannad walkthroughs to at least get your bearings for the long road ahead.

I've edited some portions of your piece, mainly to maintain an economy of words. You can compare the differences with your original post and see if the changes I put in make sense. Take my comments with a grain of salt and remember that you have the final say in what stays and goes in your story. Hopefully, more people will decide to post. It's always nice to read other people's work. I'll probably put up one of my stories pretty soon. I really like the setting and can already see hints of the fantastical nature in which this story is headed in. Alex seems like quite the intriguing character and I would love to see more of his thought process explored in future drafts, if you so choose to share with us. I didn't feel like it was in Alex's head most of the time because most of the attention went into the clever use of setting and greater world outside of it. I did enjoy the few glimpses of his mind at work, so consider tugging this out more so the reader can see him react more to the events at play. A lot of your sentences are pretty verbose, so try to keep in mind packed details in order to achieve maximum potency with your words. Tone and P.O.V seem pretty consistent. I get the sense the danger exists, and is lurking in the shadows somewhere. I would have liked to see the forest encroach more upon Alex and see an inkling of fear rise up from him. It's clear that he's familiar with geography and is comfortable tracking other people, so I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The dangers of the forest don't need be in the reader's face, but I only got a fleeting glance of the pitfalls and the branches. The forest is a big place, so try to play a bit more with the setting.The language is pretty crisp and brings the world to life. And yes, I did catch the reference to the 'Linovain detachment', quite the interesting name for an antagonist! Overall, your piece seems pretty promising and I would gladly read more drafts in order to explore more of the 'castle garrison' and the mysterious 'Three'. Good luck with future drafts!